With a new year upon us, a familiar theme returns: New Year’s resolutions. As popular as they are, traditional New Year’s resolutions tend to emphasize mental health in a manner that is not actually feasible. Societally, we are often encouraged to “fix” ourselves – there is an expectation that mental health care is as simple as maintaining discipline and willpower. This incorrectly implies that emotional distress is a personal failure instead of a very normal and humanized response to daily stressors.
In the context of New Year’s resolutions, we often set intense, difficult-to-maintain goals. For many, there is no “success” to be found when adhering to these principles. Subsequently, when New Year’s resolutions aren’t met people often arrive at the conclusion that they’ve failed, lacked willpower, or simply didn’t try hard enough.
The problem in all isn’t you. Instead, the problem lies in the way we think about change in the first place. A more appropriate way to examine New Year’s resolutions might be: How could we learn to set goals that emphasize self-compassion in lieu of self-criticism?
Most “traditional” New Year’s resolutions fail not because of any inherent human flaw. Actually, resolutions are commonly created without an understanding of how the human nervous system works.
Common resolution themes might sound like:
- “I need to stop being so anxious.”
- “I have to keep my emotions in control.”
- “I shouldn’t react the way I do.”
- “I need to push myself to work harder.”
These goals posit that emotions are primarily a choice, that insight immediately elicits change, and that “motivation” is reliable even when we are stressed. However, for people with histories including those of chronic stress, trauma, disrupted attachment, or burnout, these assumptions simply aren’t true. When goals are rooted in “should statements” (or those similar), the nervous system often interprets a potential threat – cognitive-behavioral therapies have identified “should statements” as “cognitive distortions.” In other words, “should statements” can actually encourage feelings of shame, guilt, avoidance, numbing, shutdown, and emotional overwhelm because they reinforce intense, unrealistic, and rigid self-demands. Subsequently, when these emotions are so very pronounced, it can become nearly impossible to function, let alone accomplish lofty goals.
Compassionate mental health goals start at an entirely distinct place. Instead of asking, “How do I become better?” they ask:
- What do my mind and body need to feel safer?
- What supports my emotional well-being?
- How can I listen to my needs and not deny them?
- How can I work with (and not against) myself?
See, compassion does not actually consist of “letting yourself off the hook.” It actually means creating conditions where we can feasibly grow. Change doesn’t happen through forcing ourselves to do things – it happens through safety, repetition, and secure connections (especially that which you have with yourself).
Compassionate goals share several primary qualities. Firstly, they focus on our ability to grow, not eliminate. Rather than trying to eliminate anxiety, sadness, or other adverse emotions, compassionate goals focus on growing your ability to handle and respond to those experiences. Framing goals in this manner promotes us to acknowledge difficult emotions are part of human existence, and we can learn to respond to them effectively.
Examples:
- “I would like to recover more quickly after being emotionally overwhelmed.”
- “I want to be more familiar with signs that my nervous system feels overloaded.”
- “I am going to try to develop more effective tools that regulate me when I feel stressed out.”
Secondly, compassionate goals emphasize the process, not just the outcome. Goals that emphasize the process reduce pressure while also encouraging us to maintain consistency. Process-oriented goals additionally encourage us to deviate from “all or nothing” thinking. In other words, process-oriented goals help us to develop room for learning, missteps, and adaptation. They discourage us from thinking, “I didn’t accomplish my outcome today, so that means I failed.”
Outcome-oriented goals sound like:
- “I will eliminate panic attacks.”
- “I cannot be angry anymore.”
- “I should always stay regulated.”
Process-oriented goals sound like:
- “I plan to practice grounding when panic shows up.”
- “I want to work on understanding my triggers instead of judging them.”
- “I will aim to build regulation skills by practicing them over time.”
Thirdly, a compassionate goal incorporates the idea that our capacity to tend to our mental health changes on a daily basis. Numerous factors, such as sleep, stress, work, home relationships, physical health, etc. are all crucial (and inevitable) components of our life. These factors influence our ability to address goals in a different manner each and every day. Compassionate goals allow for us to rest and scale back when overwhelmed, to adjust expectations during hard weeks, and to celebrate effort rather than perfection. Allowing for flexibility doesn’t mean that we failed; it means that we have compassionately regulated ourselves. If we try to run with a sprained ankle, it becomes all that much more likely that we will cause lasting damage to our bodies. The same principle is true with our minds – we must find time to mentally rest and implement self-care in order to ensure we don’t further harm our minds and eliminate the possibility of actually achieving our goals.
Below are examples of goals that honor the reality of human beings – we experience emotions each day, and those emotions can make it difficult to function.
Example Goals for Regulation and Emotional Awareness
- “I want to become more familiar with how my body signals stress.”
- “I plan to practice at least one grounding skill or coping mechanism consistently.”
- “I would like to respond to emotional intensity with curiosity instead of judgment.”
Example Goals for Anxiety and Overwhelm
- “I plan on working to tolerate uncertainty rather than eliminating it.”
- “I want to notice how my anxiety manifests physically and respond accordingly.”
- “I want to practice slowing down my breathing during moments where I feel stressed.”
Example Goals for Self-Compassion
- “I will challenge self-critical thoughts with more sensible language.”
- “I want to treat myself the way I would treat someone I care about.”
- “I plan to practice validating my emotions before trying to change them.”
Example Goals for Relationships and Boundaries
- “I want to practice expressing needs to others more directly.”
- “I plan to work on setting limits without feeling so guilty.”
- “I would like to notice when I’m “people-pleasing” and gently adjust accordingly.”
Many people dismiss compassionate goals as too modest. But small, repeatable actions are truly how we help our brains to learn. Biologically, repetition creates predictability. Predictability creates safety. Safety allows flexibility and growth. Trying to completely “overhaul” your mental health all at once often triggers intense emotional responses, but choosing a handful of supportive, compassionate goals creates momentum without overwhelm.
One of the biggest challenges with mental health goals is evaluation. Traditional metrics (success versus failure) don’t work well here. Importantly, compassionate mental health goals do not replace structure. Once goals are rooted in self-awareness and understanding, they can be translated into SMART goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. This can be done without punishing ourselves. We can practice structured compassion without embracing cognitive distortions. When structure is built on care rather than self-criticism, it becomes a support for change instead of another source of pressure. Progress seldom occurs in pronounced, dramatic instances; it takes time and guidance.
If establishing mental health goals brings about adverse emotions, that’s actually helpful information. Resistance associated with goals can be indicative of experiences of failure or shame or even past unrealistic expectations placed on yourself. Instead of pushing through this, compassionate goal-setting encourages us to be curious. Listening to resistance often actually leads to more effective goals.
Helpful questions to consider if you’re hesitant when creating goals can include:
- What part of me is hesitant?
- What do I need to feel safer?
- How can I make this goal more feel less demanding and more conducive to my needs?
Therapy serves as an environment that allows us to develop and maintain compassionate mental health goals. Rather than focusing solely on outcomes, therapy supports things such as understanding emotional patterns, learning regulation skills that work best for you, processing shame and other adverse emotions, adjusting goals, and examining setbacks encountered. Goals don’t need to be accomplished exclusively alone to still prove meaningful. Compassionate mental health goals don’t promise a perfect year. They do, however, offer something more realistic and more powerful: the opportunity to develop your relationship with yourself.
If you or someone you know is looking for support, feel free to reach out to Behavioral Health Clinic at 855.607.8242 or visit BHClinic.com.
