Holiday Survival Tips: When Going Home Isn’t Merry

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice, something else, or nothing at all, this time of year we are bombarded with messages about family and spending time with them. Advertisements showing happy, “traditional” families sitting around a table or a tree and laughing together carry this unspoken message that “this is what the holidays are supposed to be.” Putting aside that the main image we see this time of year of the hetero-normative, Christian, Caucasian, nuclear family isn’t inclusive or representative, this message is harmful for another key reason: family isn’t a safe thing for many people. And even if your family is a safe place for you, conflicts are bound to arise when a group of people get together. So how do you protect and preserve yourself and your wellbeing when the entire world seems to be telling you that things “shouldn’t” feel the way they do?

First: remind yourself that your feelings about your family (whatever they are) are valid

There are so many messages about how important family is and that a person “should forgive and forget because they’re family and it’s the holidays!” While this can look lovely in a Hallmark movie, we need to acknowledge that families can and do cause hurt and harm to us. Intentional or unintentional, the wounds you received from your family are still wounds. Who those wounds came from doesn’t excuse the damage that was done, this time of year or any other. If you are feeling hurt, that hurt is valid and deserves your attention and compassion.

Many people who have wounds from family debate or decide not to spend the holidays with their family. This can be a really healthy choice to think through or make, depending on your situation, needs, and safety. However, this can often come with a lot of feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. The idea of telling your toxic or unhealthy family that you won’t be home for the holidays can feel awful. But this too is a very valid reaction to trying to set boundaries with anyone who has been unhealthy, uncomfortable, or unsafe to be around in the past. TikTok user Jimmy Knowles explained it well in a recent comedic skit: why would you want to spend time with someone who engages in unhealthy, unsafe, or unkind behavior? As uncomfortable as it can be to think about our relatives in this light, honestly acknowledging how their actions, words, and choices have impacted us is important both to validate our own experience and allow us to take steps to protect ourselves.

If you aren’t feeling excited to spend time with family this season, or you’re choosing not to and feeling guilt about your choice, approach your feelings with curiosity by taking time to ask yourself some of the following questions and allow yourself to be honest with your answers:

• What is it that makes spending time with this person/these people difficult for me?
• What do I need to feel comfortable in my relationships? Is that something that they demonstrate or offer me?
• When I spend time with them, how does it make me feel? Do I leave the interaction feeling better or worse?
• Why do I want to (or not want to) spend time with them? Are those reasons coming from inside or outside of myself?
• What decision would bring me the most peace in the long run?

Second: decide what your boundaries are for the interaction and prepare/plan ways to uphold that boundary

Before you spend time with difficult or unhealthy family members, take some time to honestly reflect with yourself what you can and can’t handle. How much time at home is too much? How much are you willing to hear about your love life, body, or profession? What are ways that you aren’t comfortable being interacted with? When you know your boundaries for yourself before the situation arises, it better enables you to prepare for the situation and advocate for yourself. Be aware of your limits, whatever they are.

It’s important to note that your boundaries are for you and not for others. There’s a common misconception that boundaries are limits you place on the behaviors of others, and this is not only false, but deeply damaging to your ability to set and maintain boundaries. Boundaries are rules you set within and for yourself about how you will respond if certain situations arise. For example: saying to your grandparent: “you’re not allowed to talk to me that way” is not a boundary. It’s a rule, and one you have no authority or control to enforce. Instead saying something like, “I’m not comfortable with how you’re speaking to me, so I’m going to take a break from this conversation and reconnect with you later” is a boundary, because it focuses on your actions and feelings. This can be confusing, and is definitely a topic for a post all on its own, but for now, keep in mind these components of a good boundary:

A good boundary…

1. Focuses on your actions and experience.
   1. Example: I am (insert feeling here) with (insert situation here), so I am going to (insert action step here).
2. Has consequences that are communicated calmly, clearly, and consistently
   1. Example: If you continue to (insert behavior here), I will leave the room/ask you to leave.
3. Has flexibility to allow for someone to change, grow, or apologize
   1. Example: If you’d like to try having this conversation in a more respectful way, we can do that after we’ve both had time to regroup.
4. Does not involve “overexplaining” so the boundary itself stays the main focus
   1. Example: “I am not comfortable with you asking me about (insert topic)” “I’m not comfortable with you asking me about (inert topic) because it’s really personal and not any of your business.” In the first example, you’re keeping your focus on the situation at hand which allows the focus to stay on the boundary itself. In the second example, the boundary gets muddy because someone may instead focus on challenging, debating, or disagreeing with their actions being seen as overstepping.

Third: make a safety plan for yourself for your time with family.

While a “safety plan” for family interactions can sound a little dramatic, it is an incredibly helpful tool to protect yourself and your mental/emotional wellbeing by helping you recognize signs that the interaction is starting to hurt or harm you and preparing action steps you can take to cope with or remove yourself from the situation. A good safety plan has four key components that you’ll want to explore in the context of yourself and your situation:

1. Warning signs that things are starting to hurt, be unhealthy, cause risk, or cause harm:
   1. This is a great place to think back to the boundaries you set. What would be things someone could say or do that would either violate those boundaries? What behaviors has your family done in the past that has made you feel uncomfortable or unsafe? Write them down so you know what to look out for as signs that you need to take some action.
2. Steps you can take by yourself to cope with the situation:
   1. For example: taking a 15 minute walk alone, changing the subject, playing a game on your phone or reading a book, talking to a family member who is healthy to interact with, spending time with the family pet, doing deep breathing. Any coping skill or activity you can do without someone else, so you have tools readily available if you need them.
3. People you can call on for support to help you either distract yourself or support you:
   1. Identify people you feel safe going to for a distraction or for support, whether they will be physically with you or not. Reach out to them, and consider letting them know how you’re feeling about spending time with your family:
      1. Example: “I’m going to be going over to my mom’s for dinner on Thursday, but she can be really hurtful. Can I reach out to you if things get to be too much and I need someone to talk to or to help me find an excuse to leave?”
4.  A plan of escape if things get to be too much:
   1. If you feel safe and capable of communicating directly with your family about why you’re leaving, tell them what you need to say and remove yourself from the situation. That can look something like this:
      1. “I’m uncomfortable with how we’re interacting with each other right now, and I need to go home. We can reconnect another time, but I’m going to leave until I feel safe and comfortable to reengage with you.”
   2. If you don’t feel safe or capable of communicating with them directly, have a back up plan in place. Make a codeword with a support person that tells them to call with an “emergency” so you have to leave. Set up a deadline by which you need to leave and communicate that with your family beforehand, whether you’re honest about why you’re leaving or not. While direct, honest communication is always healthy to practice, sometimes it isn’t safe. When that’s the case, your safety deserves to be your first priority, even if that means not being honest or transparent in the moment in order to protect yourself.

Fourth: seek support and professional help if things get to be too much

Intentional or not, if your family makes you feel invalidated, criticized, controlled, or unwanted, that can cause deep pain, distress, and discomfort. It’s natural to want and need to have your hurts with your family be heard and validated, and it can be challenging to find a space where that’s possible. Working with a therapist, going to a support group, engaging with online groups or forums, or spending time with people who are safe, affirming, and comfortable can make all the difference in navigating such a tricky season, difficult people, and complex feelings. The pain you feel from your relationship with your family is real, whether it’s acknowledged within your family or not. You deserve to have people that support you, are curious about your perspectives, want to listen to you, and accept you as you are. You know yourself best, so if things feel like they’re just too much to handle, reach out for support from a trusted loved one or a professional.

Fifth: prioritize realistic self care

Self care is always important, but it is especially important during hard times. Ironically, this can also be when engaging in self care can be the most challenging. I find it helpful to remember that self care comes in many different types, and it doesn’t have to be some grand, instagram-worthy venture. There’s a quote that I always hold near and dear when thinking about self care:

“Self care is not bath salts and chocolate cake, it’s making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.” – Brianna Weist

Self-care can look like: calling a friend because you need some social support, doing a load of dishes so you don’t feel as stressed when you walk into your kitchen, wearing an outfit that feels comfortable (even if it isn’t “stylish”) because it makes you feel good in your own skin, saying “no” to a work project because you don’t want to do it or feel like you can make it happen, watching a movie that makes you laugh, or not going to a religious or spiritual service/space because it doesn’t align with your values. What matters most about self care is that it feeds you in some way, whether that’s physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, personally, spatially, or occupationally. It doesn’t have to be an act of consumerism, worthy of a social media post, or “productive” in some way. All it has to do is speak to some part of you in a way that feels nurturing.

For myself, this time of year can be a mixed bag of emotions depending on the day, so I find myself leaning a little extra on the self-care strategies that speak to me. It helps me feel comforted and more able to show up as myself and for myself in my life. On the days that are lighter and easier to move through, I practice gratitude, offer help to others in my life, or clean something in my space. On the days that are heavier and harder to move through, I lay on the floor with my cat, listen to music and journal, or play a video game.

The holidays are a tricky time for many folx for any number of reasons. Navigating uncomfortable, unhealthy, or unsafe family dynamics can be challenging. Taking the time and energy to explore some ways to support yourself and get support from others can help you get through it, whatever that needs to look like for your wellbeing. Validating your experience, setting some doable boundaries, making a safety plan, reaching out for support, and doing some realistic self care are all great strategies to help you be and feel supported this holiday session. So whether you are or aren’t going “home for the holidays,” know that you’re not alone, your feelings are valid, and winter can only last so long.

References:

Johnson State College, Vermont. (n.d.). Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries. Johnson State College – Student Life – Counseling Services. https://annapolis.tricare.mil/Portals/109/Documents/Behavioral Health/Understanding and Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries.pdf?ver=2020-09-14-081214-403

Knowles, J. (2025, December 8). Home for the Holidays (Skit). TikTok.

Nelson, D. (2016, December 8). Self-Care 101: Setting Healthy Boundaries. Dana Nelson, Ph.D. – Individual, Couples, & Group Psychotherapy & Counseling for English-Speakers in France.

Wiest, B. (2025, September 19). This is what self-care really means, because it’s not all salt baths and chocolate cake. Thought Catalog.