Holiday Survival Tips Part 2: Navigating Identity with Family

I recently wrote a post about tips for surviving complex, unsafe, and unhealthy family dynamics surrounding the holidays, but I wanted to call attention to how some of these dynamics can show up uniquely for LGBTQIA+ folx. Family tension, wounds, and disconnection can be a part of anyone’s experience, and there is a tendency for those things to be even more common for LGBTQIA+ people of any age. How supportive or unsupportive your family is, and whether or not you’ll be seeing or spending time with them can create unique challenges and pains you need to face as you navigate that space.

First: validate your feelings and find a safe space to express them

Similarly to what I said in my other article, however you’re feeling about the holiday season is valid and reasonable. For LGBTQIA+ folx, this time of year is flooded with messages about the importance of family, religious holiday practices and messages, and the looming dread of potentially going into spaces where you either aren’t validated as yourself, you have to continuously explain your identity, or you’re unsafe to be yourself. Media depictions of “family” around the holidays are almost exclusively centered on heteronormative, Christian, white, nuclear families, and for many of us, that concept is a source of pain. For some folx, that image is painful because it is something we’ve either lost or never had. For others, it represents people and spaces that have oppressed, harmed, or fought to change us. For others still, it represents a space where we have to hide who we are for our safety. Add in the “standard” stressful hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and it becomes easy to see why this time of year is challenging to endure.

Whether it’s grief, loneliness, anxiety, anger, hurt, resentment, or numbness, whatever feelings you have around this time of year are valid. Being exposed to a flood of reminders of the heteronormative bias of the world around us can be a sore spot on many levels. There are a lots of ways that you can give yourself space to feel what you’re feeling, but here are a few suggestions of where you can start:

1. Journaling
   1. Take time to sit with your feelings and reflect on where they’re coming from. Ask yourself questions and be honest about your answers. Giving yourself space to acknowledge how you feel is an important part of giving yourself compassion, which is critical for getting through hard moments in life.
   2. Some questions you can ask yourself are…
      1. How does this holiday season make me feel? What memories does it bring up for me?
      2. Does the way I see myself change during this time of year? What things are impacting that shift in my perspective?

• What about this holiday is causing me pain? What about it is bringing me joy?

1. What would a holiday celebration that honors who I am look like? What would be a part of it?

2. Artistic expression
   1. Painting, drawing, sculpting, making music, knitting, or even greeting card making can all be incredible emotional outlets, especially for emotions that are hard to name or put words to. Using colors, shapes, and textures to help us connect with our emotions can be just as soothing as verbally explaining them.
3. Seek social support
   1. Whether it’s at your local LGBTQIA+ community center, an online group, a group chat with friends, or a local event, finding spaces where we and others can share how the holidays are impacting us helps us see that we aren’t alone in what we’re feeling or facing, even if the specific details are different from person to person. Connecting with other queer folx can be a great way to boost your spirit and feel a bit safer, just by knowing we aren’t alone.
      1. For folx who are not out or do not have access to in person resources, online support can be a great middle ground. There are many pages through the website Reddit (among others) that allow for talking with and connecting with others who share our identities, either broadly or within specific spaces. When in-person support is unsafe or inaccessible, this can be a great alternative.
   2. Engage with queer-affirming or queer-focused media
      1. Whether it’s holiday themed or not, watching a good movie or TV show where you feel represented can be a huge source of comfort. There are lots of websites and resources who have compiled lists of LGBTQIA+ holiday movies, lots of inclusive shows with holiday episodes, and plenty of podcasts or YouTube channels that can help give either a distraction or a fictional space to feel seen and connect with your feelings. The website them has a list of 15 LGBTQIA+ holiday movies of all genres (from rom-coms to horror flicks, so not all options are appropriate for all ages) that I’d recommend checking out. (Happiest Season is one of my favorites)
      2. For folx who cannot access queer-focused media safely or at all, media that touches on themes common to the queer experience can be just as comforting as media that says the quiet part outloud. Themes like found family, identity exploration or coming of age, overcoming hardship, facing discrimination or bullying, or even unsafe or uncomfortable family dynamics can still help you feel seen or understood.

Second: determine what your boundaries are around identity before you interact with family.

This is a nearly identical step to the other article I wrote, however, for LGBTQIA+ folx, boundaries can be a touch more complex and hard to enforce. It adds a layer of pain when a relative is not only asking you why you aren’t seeing someone yet, but why you aren’t seeing someone of a specific gender. Families make assumptions all the time that they don’t realize they’re making, especially in families where the individuals within the family haven’t had much exposure to topics of identity or queerness, or those where maybe you have the both honor and burden of being the first openly or covertly queer person in your bloodline that you know of. The heteronormative assumptions our family members make (like the gender of the person you’d be attracted to if you experience attraction at all, or how you want to present yourself based on their conceptualization of your gender) are deeply hurtful, and it is valid to be hurt by these things, whether they’re intentional said to hurt you or a product of a lack of awareness. Unfortunately, we can’t change our families, and bearing the burden of being their primary (or only) source of queer education is exhausting. So before you go home, decide what your limits are, what you can and can’t handle, and how you’ll respond to protect yourself.

A few you may want to explore your boundaries around are:

1. What kind of discussion (if any) am I comfortable having with my family about my dating life or the attraction I experience (or lack thereof)?
2. What kind of discussion (if any) am I comfortable having about my gender identity or sex assigned at birth?
3. How much talk about politics, pop culture, or “the way the world is today” can I handle? Are there topics that are safer or more comfortable for me to engage with than others?
4. How comfortable am I engaging in religious spaces? Am I comfortable doing it at all?
5. Do I want to confront or correct people if they misgender me?
6. How comfortable am I relieving memories of previous holiday celebrations? Is looking at pictures of or hearing stories about my younger self something that will be comfortable or uncomfortable for me?

There are many more things I could include in this list, but this is a good place to start to explore what your limits are and what boundaries you will want or need to have in place before interacting with your family. Remember, boundaries are rules you set within and for yourself about how you will respond if/when certain situations arise, so it is important to focus on first identifying what kind of situations, conversations, or questions will require a response from you is the first step. Identifying how you will respond in those moments is the second.

Knowing how to respond when people violate boundaries related to our identities is especially challenging because of how much more personal and vulnerable these boundary violations feel. Luckily, a lot of general boundary principles still apply. Focusing on your actions and experience, calmly communicating consequences, and not overexplaining the boundary are all still helpful and healthy parts of a boundary for these situations, as mentioned in the previous article. However, how much flexibility for someone to change, grow, or apologize you feel safe and comfortable to include is up to you, and that may mean you don’t include any.

If someone in your family has demonstrated a consistent pattern of demeaning, insulting, challenging, debating, or invalidating you, you may not feel comfortable or safe to give them space to revisit whatever prompted your boundary-based action. This is absolutely valid. If you do not feel like that space is something you can provide to a person, don’t offer it. This usually means that our boundary assertions sound a bit more assertive and direct. They often lead to ending a conversation and closing the door to revisit it. They also often require you, as the person setting the boundary, to stand very firm in your boundary.

For example, a common boundary that may need to be set around this time of year is about whether or not you’re willing to debate, discuss, or dissect the “validity” of one of the identities you hold or responding when someone refers to you using derogatory, oppressive, or harmful language or slurs. A TikTok user by the name of Kami Orange has a delightful series where she “collects boundary phrases” that you can use when establishing or reinforcing a boundary with a loved one. Here are a few of my favorites of hers that I think map well onto boundaries we as LGBTIQA+ folx may have to set:

• “I appreciate your curiosity, but that is not a question I’m going to answer.”
• “This is my area of expertise; I don’t need an explanation.”
• “I don’t share my private medical information with strangers”
  • (you can substitute the word “strangers” for whatever feels right for you)
• “I’m not going to make a decision about that right now.”
• “You had no way of knowing, but that’s a sore subject for me. I don’t answer questions about it.”
• “That hasn’t been my experience.”
• “We see this really differently, and I don’t think we should get into it unless you’re open to a new perspective.”
• “This is a proportionate reaction to what happened.”
• “That’s not going to work for me, what other options are there?”

Note: not all of these will be safe, comfortable, or appropriate for all situations you may find yourself in. Use your best judgement if you utilize any of these. If you’re interested in more phrases like this, Kami Orange wrote a book with hundreds of “boundary phrases” that you can check out here.

Third: identify steps you need to take for your safety and plan for them

LGBTIQA+ folx are at a disproportionate risk of interpersonal violence, so factoring in both emotional/mental safety as well as physical safety is critical. While not all families of queer folx are likely to pose that level of risk, you know your family best. If you feel like physical safety may be a concern, then be sure to include escape plans, support people, emergency/crisis resources, and alternative housing options in your safety plan as much as possible. Resources like The Trevor Project, PFLAG, and the Human Rights Campaign all house resources for queer folx. The LGBT National Help Center has a free safety plan PDF template (click here) that you can fill out that will walk you through identifying the critical components of a quality safety plan. Additionally, identifying a code word with your support circle that you can use when you need help getting out is a great resource, whether your physical or emotional/mental safety is in question. Additionally, identifying other queer family members or LGBTQIA+ allies in the family can help a lot by having people to turn to.

One really difficult safety option to discuss is staying covert. For folx who are not able to or are not safe to come out or are not out to all members of their family, putting on a heteronormative persona is often both painful and a necessary safety precaution. While we all deserve to live, show up, and present as our authentic selves, safety sometimes has to come first. Some folx recommend doing this through comedy or humor, leaning on a humorous character persona that is demonstrably untrue because it may elicit a laugh, which may dispel tension, and shut down conversions. For other folks, that means “going back into the closet,” which is both difficult and deeply painful. Please know this: your identity does not change and your progress does not disappear if you have to be covert about who you are for your safety and wellbeing. Whether you can’t safely be out or you just aren’t ready to come out, you are still you and you will always be you.

Fourth: when it’s over, return to yourself and engage in repair.

When the holidays have died down or you’ve finished your last family event, take time to return to yourself. Engage with passions that excite you and help you feel like yourself. Lean into the ways of presenting that make you feel like you. Take time to rest and engage in self care, and revisit some of the validating and emotional expression ideas you tried or came up with earlier. Connect or reconnect with queer spaces and engage in community. Connecting with a mental health professional, support group, or LGBTQIA+ social group are other great resources for supporting, healing, and protecting your wellbeing.

One of my favorite ways of doing this that I’ve seen is setting up a holiday celebration with your found family. Having a holiday meal or movie watching party with people who love, see, and support you can be both healing and restorative, especially after tense or uncomfortable holiday experiences with your family of origin.

While we cannot change how supportive our families are or the pain they cause, there are many things that we can do to protect, advocate for, and care for ourselves. Not all of these resources or ideas will be accessible to all queer folx or they may need to be accessed differently depending on your safety and openness with your identity. I’ve tried to present alternative options to these where I can, but there are countless options available both for those who are and aren’t out. Check out the references on this post for other articles with even more tips and ideas for staying safe and making it through the holiday season than the ones included here.

Whatever your holiday looks like, whether it’s out and proud or covert and undercover, you are just as much yourself as you are any other day. Taking steps to protect and preserve your safety can be challenging, but you aren’t alone. Be sure to check in with yourself about how you’re doing and what you need. The holidays are a complex and tumultuous time for many folks, and taking steps to care for and protect yourself is an act of resilience, queer resistance, and self-love.

References:

Arrive Therapy. (n.d.). How to survive the holidays as a queer person. https://arrivetherapy.com/media/how-to-survive-the-holidays-as-a-queer-person

Cawthon-Freels, K. (2024, December 12). Make the yuletide gay: Navigating the holidays as a queer person. Good Faith Media. https://goodfaithmedia.org/make-the-yuletide-gay-navigating-the-holidays-as-a-queer-person/

Cohen, A. J. (2023, December 15). Navigating holidays and hometowns as an LGBTQ+ person. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/second-adolescence/202312/navigating-holidays-and-hometowns-as-an-lgbtq-person

Kami Orange. (n.d.). Say the thing book. https://kamiorange.com/pages/say-the-thing-book

LGBT Hotline. (2023). Personal safety plan (PDF). https://lgbthotline.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/pdf-personal-safety-plan.pdf

Murphy, B. G. (n.d.). 8 queer tips to get through the holidays. QueerTheology. https://www.queertheology.com/queer-holiday-tips/

PFLAG National. (n.d.). Going home for the holidays (or any days). https://pflag.org/resource/going-home-for-the-holidays-or-any-days/

Queer holiday survival guide. (n.d.). Them. https://www.them.us/story/queer-holiday-survival-guide

LGBTQ Christmas movies streaming guide: Single All the Way, Carol, & more. (n.d.). Them. https://www.them.us/story/lgbtq-christmas-movies-streaming-guide-single-all-the-way-carol

The Trevor Project. (n.d.). https://www.thetrevorproject.org/